Darrin’s Day.com

dclock October 26th, 2007

Katee and I get asked at least a couple times a week what it is like to have cancer.  While this is a private matter, I wanted to share my feelings about it.  Katee is a normal (I think better than normal) teenager, and as such it is difficult for her to share her feelings on the subject.  But as a Father and someone who has been dealing with a so called “terminal” situation, I am more inclined to share.  So here goes……

For me, cancer is like having a stone in your shoe.  It is painful, uncomfortable, always on your mind and something you want to get rid of as soon as possible.  Physically for me, cancer is best described with the following symptoms;

The primary symptom for me is pain.  I truly cannot remember what it feels like to feel well.  There is always some degree of pain.  Given that I have had a couple of major surgeries, I now have nerve damage that is always causing pain.  It hurts to breathe, bend and even stretch my arms.  Modern medicine has certainly helped in this area, so I am hesitant to complain.  But all the drugs they give you only cause a variety of additional symptoms like constipation, the lack of the ability to remember things and a general slow down in my thoughts.   I used to think that the term “Chemo Brain” was an excuse, but I promise that it is a real issue and can be embarrassing and frustrating.  I have 4 different medications to take to handle pain daily, but I have to balance my need for concentration and the ability to work with the level of pain I can handle for that day.

Other physical symptoms include, nausea, chills, the lack of ability to sleep, diarrhea and yet severe constipation, night sweats and a general overall lack of energy.

However, I don’t think the physical part of cancer really can describe what having cancer is like.  Again, in my opinion, cancer is primarily a mental battle.  There are so many ups and downs to deal with mentally, and you never get a break.  Cancer is embarrassing, as you simply must learn to accept help from others.  Cancer takes away your independence.  Cancer has made my work difficult as I want to keep working, but yet some days it is all I can do to get out of bed.  Cancer means letting others into your private world.  How else to you explain leaving a meeting to go throw up?  Cancer means accepting sympathy, when it is really understanding you need.  Cancer means financial stress.  Cancer makes you have discussions you never wanted to have (at my age) about death and where you want to be buried.  Again, like my stone in your shoe analogy, cancer is always on your mind and you can’t ever go to long without it invading your thought life.

However, while I will never be thankful for cancer, I have found some things in it to be valued.  Cancer has allowed me to say many of the things I would have never said before.  I am a softer person, and yet tougher.  Cancer has allowed me to explore my faith, and really dig into what I believe.  Cancer has shown me the kindness of the world and people in it.  I am a better person because of cancer.  I value time and friendships better than before cancer.  I have found strength I did not know I had.  I have learned how tough my wife is, and “re”found my best friend in her.  Cancer has lead to deeper talks with my girls, and they know me better now.  I also learned what I am really made of, and explored my impact on the world. 

 So, what is it like to have cancer?  I really don’t know.  I think having cancer is really what you make of it.  I still hope to eliminate the cancer from my life, but I am pleased with what I have found in myself and others.  I hope I am a better person because of cancer.  I certainly don’t recommend it, but I have found cancer to be an enlightening and growing process.  Perhaps cancer just compresses several years of growing into a short period of time. 

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