What is it like to have cancer, from a Mothers perspective (Part 1)
dclock October 30th, 2007
To Darrin & Katee:
I read your article regarding what it is like to have cancer from your perspective. It touched my heart. I wanted to tell you what it is like from my perspective. As your Mother, my heart feels like it is broken and will never heal. You are my firstborn and are irreplaceable. There is not a day, hour or minute that goes by that I don’t think about you and Katee and it causes tremendous sadness in my soul. At night I wake up thinking about you and praying for you. Wondering where is God, why doesn’t He heal you. Often I can sense in my spirit when you or Katee are having a bad day or night and I just have to call to hear your voices. I want to hear all the details, good or bad. When you or Katee are sad or sick, I am sad as well. To me, cancer is a totally consuming disease for all of those involved in one way or another. When I think that it could be possible that I would lose you, son, I am sad, tearful and angry. I enjoy so much your personality, your great sense of humor and your extraordinary intelligence. I am really not ready to let God have you to Himself! I have watched you suffer so much with this cancer and I have grieved with you over all you have lost. I have tried to be there for you during your surgeries, your chemo and also times when you feel a little better and we can laugh and forget for just a few minutes about cancer. As a Mother, I want to be able to “fix” it, but I can’t and it is so frustrating for me. Last month when I came to sit with Katee during her chemo time, it generated such mixed feelings. I was proud of her for her courage, sorrowful for her for her pain and all she has had to deal with during her diagnosis. I could tell she brought joy and encouragement to the others on the chemo unit and yet she herself was hurting. I am glad for her friends who are a source of encouragement to her and for her sister Ami, who devotes all the time and love she can to Katee. I have watched your family suffer with you, cry with you and laugh with you. You have been especially blessed with a wonderful wife, Kim who has in spite of everything, held it all together for us. For her I am extremely grateful. How has cancer changed me? I am not sure. It has consumed my life and my thoughts. It has definitely caused me to pray more, to be less concerned with little petty things in my life and to value each of my family members more. We hug more, we tell each other we love them more, because we know the value of each day!
I love you son,
Mom
Trudy:
My mothers heart aches for you. I have to confess that I have never thought about Darrin’s cancer through your eyes but now that I have, I will add you and Wil to my daily prayers. Your whole family is such inspiration. You have all faced these challenges daily and from what I have seen and heard, always end up showing the rest of the world what true faith looks like. I am sure that there have been times that you might have screamed at God, but that is OK! He understands and loves us through those times as well as the times that we praise Him.
Love and blessings to you!